Monday, January 26, 2015

Dear Simon

A cup of Darjeeling tea, Pandora radio on in the background, ( playing a Beatles station of course) and here I am. Today is going to be a hard day, it's going to be a very hard day. Today marks to date, my first month without you, Simon.

I'm not sure how I made it, I guess being numb helps. I'm sort of just going through the motions. Even being at work, the days are long and slow, I'm not ready yet. Everything is too soon, and hard.
I've been going over some of my old blog posts tonight, seeing the life you had, and remembering all the memories.

I love those memories, those moments that I got to be lucky enough to have. I've had a few people tell me how lucky you were to have me for a mom. That's true, but I was lucky too. I got to have you as my dog.

I got to see your smile, and love in your eyes. I got to hold your little body in ways you wouldn't let anyone else. I got to sit on the floor and hand feed you, and sing you to sleep. I got to be your mom.

This first month doesn't feel like a month, it feels like its been a year, and yet it feels like yesterday. I'm still lost. My heart is broken, and the rest of it is the safe keeping of a dachshund named Simon. You.

I still sleep with the pillow you slept on the last few days you were here, your food and water dishes are still where you left them. I can't bring myself to move them. I bought a stuffed bear, he's grey but reminded me of you. He sleeps in your spot and wears one of your sweaters.  I can't sleep in your spot yet, it's still yours.  I go shopping and still can't pass the baby section without buying a 'blankie' , they all remind me of you, and I use them to wrap up the bear.

You're in my dreams every night. I see you happy and healthy. Some dreams are of memories, things we did when you were here, in others it's things we would have done. I'm holding you and telling you stories. You give me a big kiss, and listen intently. Like I know you are doing now.

I saw what you did the other day, I know your still watching me. You left your paw prints in the snow for me at home and again at work. The places you were the most.  I love you too.

I found the video your grandma took of us at work playing hide and go seek. You were so happy, smiling and tail wagging. I look at your pictures often. Did you see the video I made for you? I sang you that song a lot. I hope you liked it.

I miss you, I miss you everyday.

And I love you, mom