Sunday, June 7, 2015

I Have A Secret

I'm about to share something very hard, and very personal to talk about. I have anxiety. Bad.

You wouldn't know it to look at me, and most days I hide it pretty well. At least I think I do. Most of the time when I'm in public, or around people I'm able to smile, or hold a conversation. However, there are times, even though I'm smiling, my mind is a thousand miles away. I have no idea what you are saying to me, and all I want is to flee. Go off and hide until my heart stops pounding in my ears.

Why am I telling you this now? Honestly, I'm not sure. I've suffered with this since I was young. I haven't, up until now, taken medication, or sought help. I've always tried to deal with it on my own, and alone. That's not working all. In fact, it's getting worse.

Some days even waking up can bring on the head rush of anxieties, and overwhelming emotions. And forget trying to go out in public, on a good day that is done with lots of preparation, and deep breathing. Even my part time job is a challenge, I manage, just barely.

There's many levels to panic attacks and anxiety. There is social anxiety, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and the list goes on.
These are all hidden mental health illnesses and conditions.  They are not visibly seen on the affected person. It's not like being in a wheelchair, or needing to walk with a cane, or some other viable disability. We look normal. We are, for the most part, normal.

I have a personality. I love, ironically enough, horror movies. I'm a big fan of The Beatles, I've gone to concerts. I like the color orange, and listening to rain falling on the roof. I'm funny, and I'm smart. I love going to the movies, and I read all the time. I'm a writer, and working on a book. I also have anxiety and panic attacks.

This is real. Not just for me, but for a lot of people. We often times suffer in silence, it's easier than dealing with the negative that can come along with "invisible illnesses". I should know, I'm one of them. I know in posting this blog, my world isn't going to change. I'm still going to wake up tomorrow and be me, still have anxiety.

Working on getting better isn't going to happen over night, or in a week. Maybe not even a year. But maybe in sharing, in letting you in on my secret. It can be a start.



Monday, January 26, 2015

Dear Simon

A cup of Darjeeling tea, Pandora radio on in the background, ( playing a Beatles station of course) and here I am. Today is going to be a hard day, it's going to be a very hard day. Today marks to date, my first month without you, Simon.

I'm not sure how I made it, I guess being numb helps. I'm sort of just going through the motions. Even being at work, the days are long and slow, I'm not ready yet. Everything is too soon, and hard.
I've been going over some of my old blog posts tonight, seeing the life you had, and remembering all the memories.

I love those memories, those moments that I got to be lucky enough to have. I've had a few people tell me how lucky you were to have me for a mom. That's true, but I was lucky too. I got to have you as my dog.

I got to see your smile, and love in your eyes. I got to hold your little body in ways you wouldn't let anyone else. I got to sit on the floor and hand feed you, and sing you to sleep. I got to be your mom.

This first month doesn't feel like a month, it feels like its been a year, and yet it feels like yesterday. I'm still lost. My heart is broken, and the rest of it is the safe keeping of a dachshund named Simon. You.

I still sleep with the pillow you slept on the last few days you were here, your food and water dishes are still where you left them. I can't bring myself to move them. I bought a stuffed bear, he's grey but reminded me of you. He sleeps in your spot and wears one of your sweaters.  I can't sleep in your spot yet, it's still yours.  I go shopping and still can't pass the baby section without buying a 'blankie' , they all remind me of you, and I use them to wrap up the bear.

You're in my dreams every night. I see you happy and healthy. Some dreams are of memories, things we did when you were here, in others it's things we would have done. I'm holding you and telling you stories. You give me a big kiss, and listen intently. Like I know you are doing now.

I saw what you did the other day, I know your still watching me. You left your paw prints in the snow for me at home and again at work. The places you were the most.  I love you too.

I found the video your grandma took of us at work playing hide and go seek. You were so happy, smiling and tail wagging. I look at your pictures often. Did you see the video I made for you? I sang you that song a lot. I hope you liked it.

I miss you, I miss you everyday.

And I love you, mom